Humor Time

 

Astrology Humor

Sun Sign Prayers           

ARIES: “Dear God! Give me PATIENCE and I want it NOW!”

TAURUS: “Dear God, please help me accept CHANGE in my life, but NOT YET.”

GEMINI: “Yo God…(or is it Goddess?)…Who are you?…What are you?…..Where are You?…..How many of you ARE there? I can’t figure you out!”

CANCER: “Dear Daddy, I know I shouldn’t depend on you so much, but you’re the only One I can count on while my security blanket is at the cleaners.”

LEO: “Hi, Pop! I’ll bet you’re really proud to have me as your kid!”

VIRGO: “Dear God, please make the world a better place, and don’t screw it up like you did the last time.”

LIBRA: “Dear God, I know I should make decisions for myself. But, on the other hand, what do YOU think?”

SCORPIO: “Dear God, help me forgive my enemies, even if the bastards don’t deserve it.”

SAGITTARIUS: “OH ALMIGHTY, ALL KNOWING, ALL-LOVING, ALL-POWERFUL, OMNIPRESENT, EVERLASTING GOD,
IF I’VE ASKED YOU ONCE, I’VE ASKED YOU A THOUSAND TIMES — HELP ME STOP EXAGGERATING!!!!!!!!!!”

CAPRICORN: “Dear Father, I was going to pray, but I guess I ought to figure things out for myself. Thanks anyway.”

AQUARIUS: “Hi God! Some say you’re a man. Some say you’re a woman. I say we’re ALL God. So, why pray? Let’s have a party!”

PISCES: “Heavenly Father, as I prepare to consume this last fifth of Scotch to drown out my pain and sorrow, may my inebriation be for Thy greater Honor and Glory.”

NDE Experience by Sign: 

Aries: Who’s in charge here? I am dead? I’d like to see God now! How could that happen? Things do not happen around me without my direct order.

Taurus: No way! Unless you can prove that you serve delicious food, and oh… don’t forget chocolate fudge sundae for dessert… you cannot convince me to leave my body, ever. So, forget it!!

Gemini: Okay… I can write a great story about this whole experience- it will be a bestseller. Yep, that’s right, I’ll write about how friendly those guys in white robes but wait… I must go back to my body to do all that.

Cancer: Nothing to worry… everything is under my control. The surroundings actually feel like home. I wonder how efficient is the kitchen here? Oops… I’ve left something in the oven, sorry, better luck with someone else…

Leo: Wow! Look at those bright lights! Is this a performing art center? I am an excellent performer, you know… Wait, you’re saying those guys in white robes are dead performers? And, so am I? No! No! No! *thud*

Virgo: Wait, wait… do check to see if you have the correct spelling of the name. I’ve got many things to do and cannot be bothered with nonsense stuff like dying- it’s is only for the untidy guys.

Libra: Let’s not be hasty now… this is a deterrent to my social engagements. But, hmm… this can be an opportunity to start a dating service for discarnate souls. Let me discuss this dying business with my partner first.

Scorpio: If this is some kind of a scam, you will pay for this big time! One more thing… Keep those SOBs away from me- just leave alone. What is the savings and loan interest here, I wonder? Never mind… back to same greedy bank. Ugh!

Sagittarius:  Ah… a philosophical meeting, a political caucus, a horse racetrack? Whatever this is, I’m game. I am dead?! No way… I was just hiking this morning and I do need to get to the airport in a couple hours. Stay out of my way, will you?

Capricorn: This is serious business… this is not the time to hurry things up. But, I do want to see how organized is your set-up here, it is possible that you made an error. See you later. My management expertise is needed back on earth.

Aquarius: Woo-hoo!  Can we bring down one of those spaceships to ride on? Before I go, let me find my tin foil hat and dowsing rod first. One can never know what to do without them, you know. Is it ok to throw a couple of fireworks, or grenades, as I leave?

Pisces: Oh yes!!  But, is this for real? I’ve been away with my swimming friends; I did not notice the time of departure… Is that a halo around your head? And, what are you doing with that herb knife with a long handle? Never mind, I thought I saw something…

 

Which pet would go best with each Sun sign? 

Aries: ­ Anything, as long as it’s got a lot of energy and not a wimp!

Taurus: ­ A turtle: it’s slow-moving, doesn’t need a lot of attention, and won’t compete with its owner for food.

Gemini: A talking parrot; need I say more? Well, of course I do like to communicate…

Cancer: ­ Anything, as long as it needs to be nurtured. If there’s  a sibling, can I have it too?.

Leo: ­ A big, bold, ferocious feline, as long as it doesn’t compete with its owner’s place in the Sun.

Virgo: ­ Let’s see, I have to get up at 7:30 to feed it, let it out at 7:45, at 10:00 I need to go to the grocery store to pick up three cans of food, which will cost $3.86, including tax.

Libra ­: Hm, good question. On one hand, a dog is active, affectionate, and companionable. On the other hand, a cat is pretty independent and won’t require as much time and attention. Oh, I don’t know. What would you do? Are you sure?

Scorpio: ­ A cat. Secretive, mysterious, and unpredictable. What’s not to like?

Sagittarius: ­ A horse, of course! Let’s hope it’s got enough stamina to keep up with me.

Capricorn: A goat is patient and can tolerate almost any condition but do I have to pay for it?

Aquarius ­: A hamster. First, I’ve got to set up a detailed cage with tubes going from here to here, and an energy sensor–they don’t make anything like that? That’s okay, I’m sure what I come up with will be much better.

Pisces : Fish. When their owner forgets about them for weeks on end, they’re easy to replace. Would you remind me that too?

 

Live, Love and Laugh… 

In the beginning God created earth and he rested. Then God created Man and he rested. Then God created Woman, since then neither God nor Man has ever rested.

A man was climbing a tree and suddenly he slipped. He grabbed a branch, hanging there, arms were getting tired. He looked up to the heavens and cried out, “God help me, please help me!” A dark cloud parted, he heard a deep resounding voice, “Let go, my son!” Exhausted, the man looked up at the heavens once more, demanding… “Can I have a second opinion please?!”

Some people talk of finding God as if He or She’s lost.

A little christian lady comes out onto her porch every morning and shouts, “Praise the Lord!” And, every morning the atheist neighbor yells back, “There’s no God!” This goes on for weeks. As  time goes by,  the christian lady runs into financial difficulties and has trouble buying food. She asks God for help with groceries, then says, “Praise the Lord!” The next morning, she found bags of groceries on the porch, and shouts, “Praise the Lord!” The atheist jumps out from behind the bush and says, “Ha! I bought those groceries. There is no God!” The lady looks at him, smiles and she shouts, “Praise the Lord! Not only did you provide for me, Lord, you also made Satan pay for the groceries!”

A young woman who was worried about biting her finger nails down to the quick was advised by a friend to take up yoga. And she did, her fingernails are growing normally and healthy. Her friend asked if her   nervousness were totally cured. She replied, “Not really but now I can reach to bite my toe nails.”

Three engineering students are discussing what sort of God must have designed the human. The first says, “God must be a mechanical engineer. Look at all the joints.”
The second says, “I think God must be an electrical engineer. The nervous system has thousands of electrical connections.”
The third says, “Actually God is a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?”

-Plato and a Playpus

 

Where is God?!

Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous. They are always getting into trouble and their parents know if any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved.
The boys’ mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.
The mother sent the 8 year old in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon. The preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, “Do you know where God is, son?”
The boy’s mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open. So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, “Where is God?! Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy’s face and bellowed, “WHERE is GOD?!”
The boy screamed & bolted from the room, ran directly home & dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, “What happened?”
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, “We are in BIG trouble this time!” “GOD is missing, and they think WE did it!”

 

I Love This Doctor!

Q: Doctor, I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it… Don’t waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually.. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can’t think of single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No pain…good!

Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NO LISTEN! Food are fried these day in vegetable oil. In fact, they permeated by it. How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?!?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me..

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! ‘Round’ is shape!

Well… I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways – Chardonnay in one hand – chocolate in the other – body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming “WOO-HOO, what a ride!!”

and….

For those of you who watch what you eat, here’s the final word on nutrition and health. It’s a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans..

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Thank you for your contributions, website visitors! Anyone who wish me to add their metaphysical  jokes to “En-Lighten Up” page please email it to: Marcelina@hearthandcrone.com.